Overestimation

I always thought I'm good in relationship related things, talked so much about having trust, give and take and all is so important in the aspect of a healthy relationship. Friends of mine would look for me, talked to me about their problems with their other half and whatnot. I gave them ideas in identifying problems and clues to make things better. They feel better, I feel thankful, I feel happy for them.

Not until when I'm going through one of my own, only then I realized how shallow I am towards forming and maintaining one. All it seems easy to tell people what they should do and not, but when it happens to me by then I can't fucking do it properly. I screwed up so so many times, I was clueless most of the times, I didn't want to do much sometimes because I don't want it to make it seem I'm overreacting, but sometimes it's just better to be extra careful and concern of everything revolves around you.

I had to be guided on how to react properly towards different circumstances, because I'm not doing the right thing all the time. I fucked up big time, big big time.

The thoughts is never helpful whenever you didn't reveal it out to let others know how you feel. It's fucking useless to feel and to think if you never let the other party to acknowledge about it.

Where's the confidence, the bravery, and the assertiveness when I needed it the most? Playing it too safe because of afraid that you might say something wrong, is never a good idea. People would think you are not responding towards it, people would assume you don't care at what they just said to you. But it was never meant to be it that way at all..

All the things that I tried so hard to make sure it'll go all right, it always ended up being wrong. I can't blame her for assuming and thinking it that way, that is true. Because I hardly am able to give her the right signal whenever she really needs one. It's always the opposite, one she never want to expect it coming from me.

I overestimated my own capability, I screwed up big time. I have no one to be blamed but my own. I thought I could be a really good partner for my other half, turns out there's so much more I need to learn to be even considered into fitting in the group. From this day I've known I hold no rights to even lecture or advise others in regards of relationship, because who am I to do that when I am failing so hard on my own?

Kanir, I am sorry.